I sometimes walk around in public with my fly completely undone.
This causes people to do a double take as they walk past me.
I like to imagine it’s because I’m that good looking.
A beige clad existence couldn’t be all bad when it could look like this.
Shoes – Squire
Shirt – Ted Baker
Suit – Jack London
So there I was, filled with trepidation as the operator tied the cord to my ankles.
Looking down to the river below, knowing that the slightest mistake could potentially mean serious injury, if not death.
I took a deep breath once again.
The operator stepped away.
It was my moment of truth.
I spread my arms, bent my knees, then launched myself into an unknowing and unforgiving space.
As I plummeted toward the earth, I suddenly realised…
Oh, who am I kidding?
Nothing happened.
I didn’t go bungee jumping.
There was no accident.
I just put on this outfit and didn’t have an exciting story to tell to go along with it.
Hell, I didn’t even have a boring story to go along with it.
Here it is, in any case.
Shoes – Julius Marlow
Jeans – Hugo Boss
Shirt – Ted Baker
While trawling through the endless source of entertainment that is Facebook, I stumbled across this little gem on a friend’s page:
None of us are 100% who we are 100% of the time. From faking a smile when we’ve had a really horrible day, to pretending to share with someone when we have ulterior motives, our masks are always hiding one thing: The truth.
Ego prevents us from living our truth. It will convince us that our mask protects us. But this false persona we put on to avoid getting hurt or feeling pain is the same one that block us from experiencing fulfillment.
Just as it is impossible to get a sun tan with a mask over your face, we cannot connect to the Light when we’re pretending to be who we are not.
When we bare our soul and stop hiding our garbage – our failed marriage, troubled relationships, financial fears or low self-esteem – we can create real connections with people. Not to mention, this also gives others a safe space to be who they are, because in all likeliness their fears and troubles are similar to our own.
It’s not an easy thing to do, but when we summon the strength to expose our weaknesses, we step outside ourselves and connect to the Light.
By removing our masks and living our truth, we allow the Light to shine upon us, and our own Light to shine upon others.
- Yehuda Berg
It all sounds very lovely, doesn’t it?
I kind of get the idea, but as is my wont, I’d like to offer an alternative point of view.
I agree wholeheartedly with the statement that none of us are 100% who we are 100% of the time.
I completely concur that the masks we all wear are hiding the truth.
The truth part is where Mr Berg and I part ways in our beliefs.
I believe that we are not 100% who we are 100% of the time, because if we were, the world would be a much uglier place than what it already is.
If we were all to lift our masks and be completely and utterly ourselves, I’m fairly certain that most of you would start disliking a hell of a lot of people around you, and being plain frightened of others.
Those masks we all wear are there to protect us.
Not from feeling pain or getting hurt.
They’re there to protect us from each other.
As a society, we’re expected to adhere to social “norms”, subscribe to behavioural patterns, and pander to certain emotional needs of those around us and ourselves.
We all wear masks to make sure that we appear to be playing along, rather than highlight how wrong we really are deep down inside.
All you need to do to confirm this, is to take notice of those that slip through the cracks, or simply don’t have the skill to construct such a mask.
You’ve got a guy in the U.S. being arrested for planning to kill, cook and eat women, starting with his wife.
So-called mass shootings perpetrated by seemingly “normal” functioning members of society happening worldwide.
I’m not saying that if we all took off our masks, we’d all start murdering everyone around us. Not all of us, anyway.
But imagine if you didn’t have to put on a fake smile just so you wouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings.
At the very least, imagine if you could say exactly what you felt like saying to everyone in any situation.
Imagine that instead of just saying the words that you’re going to kill someone because they’ve pissed you off, you actually go and do it.
A bit extreme, right?
I think you’d be surprised at the percentage of people who would do unspeakable things if there were no ramifications for committing those acts.
I’ve had a friend quite plainly declare that they wouldn’t commit a certain act, because they “wouldn’t want to be caught.” Not because the act was illegal, but because of the consequences.
On a personal level, I’ve seen the horrified looks I have received when letting out just a little of my truest inner thoughts to some people.
All because a lot of my thoughts don’t adhere to those social norms we all love to subject each other to.
Don’t worry, I’m not planning a shooting rampage or a cannibalistic feast just yet.
Just be secure in the knowledge that at the next party you attend, that guy or girl smiling at you from across the room is probably picturing ripping your limbs off like a kid tearing the wings off a fly, but their mask is protecting you.
I like to colour code my masks to complement the outfit.
I mean, nobody suspects the guy in the Hawaiian shirt, right?
Shoes – Julius Marlow
Jeans – Hugo Boss Orange
Shirt – Ted Baker
Who am I kidding?
Of course it’s easy being green!
Kermit just had no dress sense.
Seriously, the frog wore nothing but an S&M collar most of the time, and when he did venture out in public, wore a trenchcoat.
Nothing creepy about a frog in a trenchcoat….
All he had to do was ask and I would have advised him to marry the green with a purple and blue check shirt, and perhaps some dark blue suede Oxfords with green soles.
But he didn’t ask.
He just continued to walk around naked and complain to anyone that would listen about his complexion.
I swear he had no individuality, that frog.
It was like he was somebody’s puppet.
Shoes – G.H. Bass & Co
Pants – Rubello
Shirt – Ted Baker
I took my new Julius Marlows out the other day for lunch.
No, wait.
That sounds like a weird lunch, even for me.
Let me rephrase that.
I went out to lunch with a friend, and wore the new Julius Marlow shoes.
Now, last time I spoke about these, I mentioned my displeasure at the blue synthetic sole attracting a lot of dirt.
It turns out that’s the least of my worries with these things, especially if it’s been raining.
That same blue synthetic sole that attracts dirt, also gets slippery in the wet.
How slippery?
Have you ever tried to imitate a breakdancer with cerebral palsy wearing roller skates?
Okay, neither have I, because there’s some things you just don’t do, but I’m sure that’s what walking on a wet pavement in these would be like.
I couldn’t walk ten paces without one of my feet deciding to take a detour, without asking permission to do so.
I swear, my friend had to actually hold me by the arm as I attempted to navigate my way to the outdoor table while I entertained the other diners with my interpretive Torvill & Dean entrance.
I got up from the table, and promptly sat down again as one of my feet decided it wanted to perform an impromptu can-can and nearly kicked me in the forehead in the process.
So with the dirt attraction issue, and now the wet weather issue, these things are going to have a short shelf life in the Shoeplex.
Shoes – Julius Marlow
Jeans – Oxford
Shirt – Ted Baker
You know when one of those days comes along and you simply don’t want to wear anything bright or eye catching?
They don’t come along very often for me, but this just happened to be one of those days.
I mean, I wasn’t feeling down, depressed or drab, I simply felt like blending in to the masses.
I only wish the masses dressed better.
Even though I was an olive green pair of pants away from becoming a communist, I still stuck out from the crowd.
I had gone to meet with a friend for dinner, and was waiting for her at the train station.
This gave me a chance to check out the fashions and trends being sported by the corporate types coming home, and the casuals going out.
Now, Newtown Station is pretty busy at peak time, so the 15 minutes or so that I was standing there, I would estimate that at least 500 people streamed through the exit/entrance, and I suspect I’m way under-estimating here.
I may not have taken notice of everyone, but in that moving sea of mediocrity, the well dressed men tended to stand out.
All eight of them.
Do men, especially in their 20′s, 30′s, and apparently pushing into their 40′s, have any imagination or daring when dressing themselves?
It seems somebody has decreed that men shall wear blue or black jeans, untucked t-shirt, and dirty sneakers as a uniform, but has neglected to decree it to me and a select few others.
Even looking at couples heading out, highlighted the sad fact that men in general have no idea.
One couple in particular caught my eye.
They looked like they were heading out to dinner or drinks for the night.
She was dressed in a very fetching purple and white floral pleated A-line dress, with borderline sensible black pumps. Pretty.
He, on the other hand, was wearing blue jeans, a plain white button up business shirt that looked like it had never been ironed (untucked of course), and scuffed, dirty black & white Vans type sneakers. Pretty… Bloody awful.
Yes, I’m a judgemental prick, I don’t know the full story, she could have been taking a bum to the tailor as part of her recent community service court order, blah blah blah, but somehow I think they were a bona fide couple, and he clearly didn’t care how he looked.
So with this little rant comes a question for you, Occasional Reader.
Even if it is just heading out for a casual bite, or grocery shopping, or any day to day activity, do you care what your partner is wearing when they are beside you?
Do you care enough to actually say something to them about it?
I’d really like to hear your feedback on this.
I for one, wouldn’t have an issue offering my opinion, good or bad, to a partner when it comes to their outfit choices.
Maybe that’s why I’m single.
Oh…. It’s all starting to make sense now….
Shoes – Ted Baker
Jeans – VKing
Shirt – Oxford
I’m sure there are thousands, nay, millions of men out there who have suffered the ignominy of an ill-fitting outfit, especially just before a much anticipated public display of said outfit.
Yet they suffer in silence, preferring their partners and friends think that they are just another neanderthal in blue jeans rather than endure the embarrassment of admitting that they’re having a particularly severe water retention problem, or simply put, a fat day.
I’m here to change that.
I hope that my very recent experience will encourage more men to step up and semi-proudly proclaim to whoever will listen that they feel “bloated”.
I hope it will empower them to persist with those “salmon” pants (One day they’ll proudly call them pink, but one step at a time here), knowing that those same pants that are cutting off their circulation at the waist today will fit perfectly tomorrow.
Don’t thank me. I’m a goddamn pioneer.
This is my story.
It came time to try on the NYE outfit that I had in mind.
Now rather than wait till the last minute, just in case there was a problem with any part of the outfit, I started a healthy ninety minutes before I was scheduled to leave.
Smart thinking Mike, you genius!
I had the idea of starting with my two tone black & blue brogues, paired with a new pair of Paul Smith trousers (with the cutest parrot riding a bicycle motifs sewn into them), and a flowery Wayne Cooper shirt.
I put the whole ensemble together and have to say, while looking nice, I was considerably underwhelmed.
It would have been fine for dinner or a show, but this was New Years Eve!
Now you think that this would have sent me into a spin, but being the consummate outfit planner that I claim to be, I had a B plan!
I don’t know if I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again. Mike, you genius, you!!
I had the idea of my cherry red Squire shoes, pale pink Bugatti trousers, and a new shirt I bought in the sales last week from Arthur Galan.
I started putting the outfit on, and… and… Oh God, this is so hard to say… The shirt didn’t fit!
I swear this shirt fit last week when I bought it, and looked great on me. Now it looked like I had taken up hula hoop dancing… by eating the hula hoops…whole.
Undaunted, I decided it was time to switch to plan C.
Plan C? Mike. you bloody genius!!!
It was time to fall back on my sparkly purple Louboutins, orange Jack London trousers, and a floral Ted Baker shirt.
I’m sure it would have been perfect. If I could have only found my pants.
Seriously. I’ve managed to lose a pair of trousers. How does one lose a pair of bright orange trousers? You’d think I would recall coming home from an outing not wearing pants. It’s happened before, and I remember those times very well. That’s right. Times. Don’t judge me!
Maybe an extremely fashionable robber with a very specific shopping list snuck into my apartment while I was sleeping.
It was starting to get late, so it was time to move on to plan D!
Ummm… there was no plan D.
Mike, you idiot, you!
I had reached a fork in the fashion path.
I could go back to the original outfit, which was nice, safe, and could conveniently hide the hula hoops I had consumed.
Or I could go all out, put something on that was eye catching, attention grabbing and flabulously fashion forward!
I chose the second path.
I proceeded to empty out the entire contents of my wardrobe, trying to identify a suitably impressive outfit for the evening.
I tell you, emptying out a wardrobe and trying on various outfit combinations with the clock counting down can make one really work up a sweat.
I almost had the outfit completed, but couldn’t decide between two shirts.
This is where social media can really help out.
I posted both on Facebook, and asked quick opinions from whoever happened to be on at the time.
My inner thoughts were validated, the fat man inside me stopped complaining and the outfit was complete.
I proudly present to you, after two and a bit hours, two showers, and just a tiny amount of panic, Plan D.
Shoes – Yapi
Jeans – Versace
Shirt – Brooksfield
I know, I know.
I’m not an advocate nor even a fan of the rolled up cuff look that seems to be so prevalent in street looks nowadays.
But (Yes, Grammar Nazis, I started a sentence with a conjunction!) I figured it was time to try it and see if I could come close to pulling the look off.
The result?
No chance.
I tried it with wingtips, with oxfords, with brogues.
I tried it with long sleeves, short sleeves and t-shirts.
I tried it tucked in and hanging out (Seriously, get your mind out of the gutter!).
In any case, this is the best I could come up with.
The outcome was that I looked just as ridiculous as the models in the fashion pages do.
Shoes – Armani Collezioni
Trousers – Jack London
Shirt – Ted Baker
I’m assuming there’s no official dress code.
It does make me wonder though.
I have watched plenty of disaster and apocalypse movies, and inevitably (and understandably) there’s always looting going on amidst all the anarchy.
Yet in all this looting, nobody seems to target clothing shops or designer shoe shops.
For some strange reason, people in these types of movies prefer to run around in a post apocalyptic world in tattered clothing, or outfits that conjure images from Mad Max 3.
Sure, I know it would be difficult outrunning a zombie horde in 7″ Louboutins, but seriously people, if you’re going to survive the zombie apocalypse, do it with style, damnit!
The big day is fast arriving for us all, Occasional Reader.
21st December 2012.
That’s the date when an invisible planet is going to zig when it should have zagged and crash into our little blue marble, wiping out a billion or so of us in one go.
Or are the dead going to re-animate with a serious case of the munchies?
Whichever it is, if I’m one of the lucky ones to survive, I’ll be hitting Westfield Sydney (or what’s left of it) when the smoke clears, and I’ll be re-stocking my wardrobe.
I also happen to own a very snazzy pair of Zew’s for such an occasion.
Oh. That’s Zombie Escaping Wingtips for those of you who didn’t know.
Shoes – Ted Baker
You know, there comes a time in a man’s life where he misses certain things.
He can miss the touch of a loved one.
He can miss the laughter of close friends.
Well, that time has come for me, occasional reader.
I have stopped, taken stock and realised there are certain things missing from my life too.
I miss the moo of a cow, drifting across a paddock.
I miss the haunting strains of a plucked banjo.
I miss talkin’ at half speed, droppin’ my G’s, and discussin’ “when da gub’ment gowna get da ‘lectric on round ‘ere”.
I kid, of course.
Nobody relies on the government.
I’m heading out of this beautiful buzzing metropolis of Sydney and venturing into country NSW for a few days.
I may have overstated things just a little, but I’m serious when I talk about slowing the speed of my talking down.
When travelling to country towns, especially for work as this trip is, my whole personality changes as is needed.
I tend to slump my shoulders a little more, walk slower, I definitely drop my G’s and I can get that good ol’ Aussie drawl happening at a moment’s notice.
I can’t wait to call in on towns like Wallabadah, Quipolly, and Cooplacurripa.
It really can seem like you’re speaking another language at times.
The things we do to make a living… *sigh*.
I’m missing home already and I haven’t even left yet.
Gettin’ my country on… NOT.
Shoes – Laxal
Jeans – Viking
Shirt – Ted Baker
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