I’m sure there are thousands, nay, millions of men out there who have suffered the ignominy of an ill-fitting outfit, especially just before a much anticipated public display of said outfit.
Yet they suffer in silence, preferring their partners and friends think that they are just another neanderthal in blue jeans rather than endure the embarrassment of admitting that they’re having a particularly severe water retention problem, or simply put, a fat day.
I’m here to change that.
I hope that my very recent experience will encourage more men to step up and semi-proudly proclaim to whoever will listen that they feel “bloated”.
I hope it will empower them to persist with those “salmon” pants (One day they’ll proudly call them pink, but one step at a time here), knowing that those same pants that are cutting off their circulation at the waist today will fit perfectly tomorrow.
Don’t thank me. I’m a goddamn pioneer.
This is my story.
It came time to try on the NYE outfit that I had in mind.
Now rather than wait till the last minute, just in case there was a problem with any part of the outfit, I started a healthy ninety minutes before I was scheduled to leave.
Smart thinking Mike, you genius!
I had the idea of starting with my two tone black & blue brogues, paired with a new pair of Paul Smith trousers (with the cutest parrot riding a bicycle motifs sewn into them), and a flowery Wayne Cooper shirt.
I put the whole ensemble together and have to say, while looking nice, I was considerably underwhelmed.
It would have been fine for dinner or a show, but this was New Years Eve!
Now you think that this would have sent me into a spin, but being the consummate outfit planner that I claim to be, I had a B plan!
I don’t know if I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again. Mike, you genius, you!!
I had the idea of my cherry red Squire shoes, pale pink Bugatti trousers, and a new shirt I bought in the sales last week from Arthur Galan.
I started putting the outfit on, and… and… Oh God, this is so hard to say… The shirt didn’t fit!
I swear this shirt fit last week when I bought it, and looked great on me. Now it looked like I had taken up hula hoop dancing… by eating the hula hoops…whole.
Undaunted, I decided it was time to switch to plan C.
Plan C? Mike. you bloody genius!!!
It was time to fall back on my sparkly purple Louboutins, orange Jack London trousers, and a floral Ted Baker shirt.
I’m sure it would have been perfect. If I could have only found my pants.
Seriously. I’ve managed to lose a pair of trousers. How does one lose a pair of bright orange trousers? You’d think I would recall coming home from an outing not wearing pants. It’s happened before, and I remember those times very well. That’s right. Times. Don’t judge me!
Maybe an extremely fashionable robber with a very specific shopping list snuck into my apartment while I was sleeping.
It was starting to get late, so it was time to move on to plan D!
Ummm… there was no plan D.
Mike, you idiot, you!
I had reached a fork in the fashion path.
I could go back to the original outfit, which was nice, safe, and could conveniently hide the hula hoops I had consumed.
Or I could go all out, put something on that was eye catching, attention grabbing and flabulously fashion forward!
I chose the second path.
I proceeded to empty out the entire contents of my wardrobe, trying to identify a suitably impressive outfit for the evening.
I tell you, emptying out a wardrobe and trying on various outfit combinations with the clock counting down can make one really work up a sweat.
I almost had the outfit completed, but couldn’t decide between two shirts.
This is where social media can really help out.
I posted both on Facebook, and asked quick opinions from whoever happened to be on at the time.
My inner thoughts were validated, the fat man inside me stopped complaining and the outfit was complete.
I proudly present to you, after two and a bit hours, two showers, and just a tiny amount of panic, Plan D.
Shoes – Yapi
Jeans – Versace
Shirt – Brooksfield