Now normally I’m not one to be proud of any level of hairiness upon my good self.
This is not a “normally” moment.
Velvet jacket and pony skin shoes.
Does it get any better?
Or hairier?
Shoes – Jack London
Jeans – Hugo Boss
Shirt – Dangerfield
Jacket – Dolce & Gabbana
I only just realised I haven’t relayed the story that inspired the unbelievably entertaining What She/He Wore segments.
It was actually one of the first dates I went on since rejoining the online dating community.
We had chatted online and even had a relatively easy phone conversation, so we had agreed to meet for a coffee in Bondi.
I arrived early in order to secure an appropriate table.
You know, up the back of the room, preferably one with a difficult escape route for her.
Little was I to know it wasn’t going to get that far…
I arrived to a pleasant surprise, with her already there waiting outside for me.
The pleasant surprise ended there.
No, she wasn’t hideously ugly.
No, she wasn’t 20 years older than her picture.
In fact she was quite pretty.
The problem?
She was wearing a tracksuit.
To a first date.
Now, you have probably guessed that I am an extremely tolerant person who will give anyone a chance to right a wrong.
I’m also a master of self delusion.
I said my hello, with a peck on the cheek, hoping to whiff a slight smell of gym on her. Instead, she smelled flowery and sweet.
I had to ask.
“Why are you wearing a tracksuit?”
“Oh. It’s designer.”
“No it’s not. It’s a tracksuit.”
“But a designer tracksuit. Look” (showing me the label on her perfect little ass.)
“It’s a tracksuit. You wore a tracksuit to a first date.”
“Do you have a problem with that?”
“Unless you just came from the gym, yes I do.”
I just gave her an out!
This was her opportunity to tell me that the gym was the reason for wearing a tracksuit in public, and to continue to stare at me with those gorgeously deep brown eyes across a coffee table! Please God, please make her see the escape route I just provided!
“Well, I didn’t come from the gym. I think it looks good. Now, can we have a coffee?”
“Sorry, but no. This isn’t going to go anywhere.”
“What? Because I’m wearing a tracksuit?”
“While wearing a tracksuit in public isn’t my number one fashion statement, my problem is, you wore it to a first date. With me.”
She just stared at me with a look of incredulity on her face.
Maybe she was thinking someone with a head like Quasimodo and a clear battle of the bulge going on, would accept anyone that was placed in front of him.
Okay, she was very pretty, and under the voluminous folds of tracksuit polyester, there was a hint of a rockin’ body, but to me, that made it even worse.
She wouldn’t have had to do much to make herself presentable for a first impression.
I had to call time on the argument.
“Well, thanks anyway. Good luck.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes. Good luck. Bye.”
I turned and walked away.
Do you think I was being harsh or unreasonable?
Would you continue on a date if they turned up dressed in a tracksuit?
At least I made an effort.
Shoes – John Fluevog
Trousers – Hugo Boss
Shirt – Marcs
Another first date.
Dressed well.
On time.
Went well.
No second date.
Why?
I’m “too gay”.
Sorry, I couldn’t hear you, due to the giant dildo in my ass.
FFS.
What does that even mean?
Too gay?
Don’t know.
Don’t care.
Looked fabulous!
Shoes – Hugo Boss
Jeans – Hugo Boss
Shirt – Premonition
You read correctly, Occasional Reader!
A second date.
What was so intrinsically wrong with the girl that she would agree to a second date with me?
I didn’t ask, and don’t care.
She agreed.
Was she suitably dressed for the occasion?
I’m happy to report that yes, she was.
Did I take a photo?
Clearly, I did not.
I was too distracted by my own reflection in a window.
I swear it happened, though.
Would I lie to you?
Shoes – Hugo Boss
Trousers – Bugatti
Shirt – Oxford
Jacket – Topman
I was walking past the Hugo Boss outlet store the other day, and swore to myself I would resist.
I was refraining from any more purchases until the credit card was feeling healthier, and not so full.
I had managed to go five whole days without buying anything!
Then I saw them.
In plain sight at the back of the store behind a clothing rack, they called to me.
Two pairs left, and one of those pairs was my size.
A 50% off stock sale.
A friendly store assistant that offered to hold the shoes while I browsed the rest of the store.
After piling my arms high with trousers, jackets and shirts, I found out that the sale only applied to jeans and shoes.
So you can see why I just HAD to purchase these sexy beasts.
HAD to!
Shoes – Hugo Boss
In particular, I love these white jeans.
I have nothing more to say today.
Apart from mentioning that I have nothing more to say today.
Which is actually saying something.
So forget about me not having anything to say and allow me to say it.
There.
I said it.
Sometimes I think that there’s something not quite connected in here…..
Shoes – Kenneth Cole Reaction
Jeans – Hugo Boss Orange
Shirt – ESP
Medication – Not enough.
I’ve given up on the whole what she wore to the first date idea.
I either forget, or something happens to prevent me even asking the question.
Take my latest attempt at a first date, for example.
She turned up, dressed beautifully of course, and we even loosely colour matched. Cute.
I immediately had every intention of asking her to be the inaugural poster girl for the segment.
She seemed to have a slight sarcastic bent to her humour.
In hindsight, maybe not.
The conversation was flowing reasonably well, and we got to talking about offspring.
I casually mentioned some story or other and finished the sentence with “… when I used to have kids.”
She responded, and I thought quite sarcastically, “What do you mean “used to”. Did you lose them somewhere?”
I immediately looked her directly in the eye and answered with my most deadpan delivery “No. They and my wife were killed in a car accident when I was driving.”
A kaleidoscope of colours passed across her face in a matter of seconds.
She went beet red, followed by an interesting shade of green, I’m sure I saw grey in there at one stage, and finally finished off with her turning white as a sheet.
She stammered out one apology after another through the impressive colour display.
It was when the last apology came, and the tears welled in the eyes that I thought I should clarify.
“No, not really. It was just a more interesting story than saying they were my stepkids and we got divorced.”
I thought this clarification would stop the tears.
Instead, after a moment’s stunned silence, they increased!
She sobbed once, twice, then pushed back her chair from me.
“You… you… I… You’re such a bastard!”
She quickly stood up, impressively twirled about (it was one of those cool 60′s style dresses that encourage twirling), and walked out of the cafe.
I guiltily looked around, and noticed quite a number of people either surreptitiously or quite openly staring at me having just witnessed her walk out.
I almost announced to the room in general “She was just upset hearing how I killed my wife.”
I didn’t though.
I think my luck had been pushed far enough for one night.
Here is what I wore.
Shoes – Hugo Boss
Jeans – Ksubi
Shirt – Lagerfeld
So I was thinking of having a segment on what women were wearing when turning up to that all important first date with me, besides the obligatory straitjacket and the supervising nurse, of course.
I would have called it “What she wore and why I looked better.”
I’m kidding, of course.
You wouldn’t need an explanation of why I looked better.
Anyway, my first “first” date arrived, and while the conversation flowed freely, and the date was very enjoyable, I completely forgot to ask her to take a picture of her outfit.
I’m going to have to beg her for a second date.
Until I can convince her to do such a stupid thing, here’s what I wore.
Pretty snappy, huh?
Takes the focus right off the face!
Shoes – Paul Smith
Trousers – Hugo Boss
Shirt – Topman
I wore this outfit the other day on one of my very rare shopping expeditions and to meet a friend for lunch.
I’m going to have to wear it more often.
I went to lunch and the first thing my friend said was “You’ve lost weight!”
I walked into one of my regular clothing stores, and the salesperson there exclaimed “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of weight!”
Then of course, I went in to Squire, where Peter commented on how good I was looking.
There’s nothing that cheers one’s day more than being told by numerous people how good one is looking.
We’re talking about weight here.
I can’t do anything about the ugly.
Shoes – Ferrante
Trousers – Hugo Boss
Shirt – Scotch & Soda
Even though autumn hit a couple of weeks ago, someone forgot to send the memo to whoever flicks the seasonal switch.
So until that switch is flicked, I’m holding on to summer with everything I’ve got.
Shoes – Creative Recreation
Jeans – Hugo Boss
Shirt – Esprit
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